The past several months have been difficult. Since the beginning of the year, I have struggled with the love of my job and the difficulty of having to deal with situations I feel should have been irrelevant and non-issues within that context. Then there was the difficulty of beginning a new job search, while still working as things became more difficult. And then thinking I bombed that first interview, only to be called back for a second that was so much fun (yes, FUN during an interview!) it convinced me that it was indeed time for a change. And then waiting for a job offer. And then having to tell my supervisor I was leaving. Even worse was having to tell my clients I was leaving...even though I was literally only moving 3 floors up on the same campus.
I got to take a month off in June and just be a mom for the first time in my life, which was a blast with kids who are at ages that I really enjoy. June was a really fun month. While home, the kids and I branched out and made all sorts of friends on our amazing street. The kids had a blast running from house to house to house, the moms and I enjoyed texting each other, checking in, making fun desserts, and laughing and rolling our eyes at the crazy things our children did at each others' homes. Jacob, my cautious child, FINALLY threw caution to the wind and learned to ride his bike, and so now rides his bike EVERYWHERE up and down the street, as fast as possible, having races with neighborhood kids. Bekah has proved to be an excellent endurance runner, and can even outrun her older brother with long distances because she's learned that slow and steady literally wins the race. We've had a number of skinned knees, urgent care visits, bruises, falls, fights...we've gone through a several boxes of various sizes and kinds of band-aids, tubes of Neosporin, lots of body wash trying to get dirt, grass, leaves, etc out of bodies and hair, and even more of Tide and various creative stain removing tactics to try to erase various stains of blood, dirt, grass, food, and various unidentified (and probably happily so) markings on clothes. It was a very fun month.
And then July 1st came. I began my first day at my new job. It was definitely a change from what I was used to. I was far more busy than I ever had been at any other job, and for a while felt far more isolated because there were far less meetings, etc, where teams got together, consulted, etc. Even my supervision time was drastically reduced, as they just expected me to go and do. Despite the fact that I typically resist any kind of change, I felt empowered and capable as I navigated through various hiccups and challenges that came up with system errors, figuring out all the resources that I actually had being directly part of a hospital, and having my caseload increased with cases that included not only trauma (which I absolutely love), but also cases with psychosis, and run of the mill issues like anxiety or depression. I was shocked to find myself adjusting quickly.
My main goal was to keep my head down, do my job, and stay out of anything political or messy. But of course, when working with children, inevitably something comes up. I had some pretty scary calls with kiddos who were on the verge of a break to which I did not want a front row seat. Finding my way through these protocols and working with other professionals, I found myself sometimes in uncomfortable circumstances. Following up with my awesome supervisor to find out what I needed to do, I unintentionally pushed on systems that had already been identified as no longer beneficial and no longer working. I didn't realize that I had really done this, and that it made a positive impression on those looking to make changes, until a meeting last week.
They wanted to change my job description around a little bit. Previously, my drive, direct nature, excitement, and "move it or lost it" attitude was viewed as problematic, uncouth, or disrespectful. Here, apparently people saw it as a good thing. Remember how I thought I had bombed my first interview? Yeah, I mean I REALLY thought I had bombed it. I mean, seriously. It was that bad. I had spent the entire morning before my interview testifying in court for one of my most emotionally draining cases. I'd come directly from the courthouse, driving almost an hour, to get to my interview. I was scattered, flustered, and, I felt, ridiculous. Not your best feelings to have for an interview. So, needles top say, my mouth fell open when I got the invite for a second interview. And now, 30 days after I first started at this new position, I was being asked to take on more responsibility...and they wanted to see how I handled that in order to determine future roles I was apparently being considered for. I was floored.
And then Andrew got an equally amazing opportunity. He had interviewed for a position in Colorado, but had so impressed people that they wanted to give him an even bigger function....over in Florida. What??? Florida??!!! We just bought this house...we love our house! We absolutely adore our neighbors and the friendships we have here! My mom lives here, my kids are going to start school here. I have a doctor here who has finally been able to help me function with my CFS. And I love Colorado...the weather is perfect, four seasons, dry (minus this strange summer), and we have mountains and gorgeous scenery everywhere. And Andrew got a job offer in a place I've never been, don't know anyone, and in a climate similar to the one I grew up in, left as soon as I was 18, and to which I vowed never to return: high humidity, heat, no seasons, bugs, reptiles, giant man-eating mosquitos, flying roaches....I am putting my hands over my face as I think about it!
So...what did we do? Andrew accepted the job offer with my blessing. We put our house on the market 10 1/2 months after we bought and moved into it. And then I did the girl thing and started second guessing. Everything. I don't want to leave Colorado. I don't want to leave my mom. I don't want to leave this house. I don't want to leave our friends, neighbors. I don't want to leave my job. Notice how the first word of each sentence starts with "I"??? Yep. I noticed that, too.
Andrew has been nothing but completely supportive in my career. He has taken kids to and from daycare for me because where I would be during the day could be all over the map, literally. He's cancelled activities, meetings, and sometimes important events to be with the kids so that I could go run and take care of an emergency with one of my clients. He's given his blessing for me to spend thousands of dollars to get certifications I didn't really need, but wanted because I LOVE learning, and it helped me be a better therapist. When I would completely overwhelm myself with my own crazy expectations, and overexert myself to the point of breaking, he'd figure out a way to get me away--on a vacation, on a staycation, with a massage, time alone, whatever. He's always supported me.
So what kind of a brat am I being now? A super big brat. I feel like I'm acting like a little kid, stomping her foot saying, "But I don't want to!" because all I can see are the things immediately in front of me. And I like those things. I can't see all the potential amazing blessings that can come from taking a leap of faith and supporting my husband to make a move he sincerely deserves. Nope. Even after all he has done to support me. Wow. I definitely got the best part of this whole marriage deal. Even now, he's trying to figure out how I can stay here longer with the kids to enjoy the feeling of finally being recognized and having all my strengths utilized and my challenges strengthened, stay in the house I love, with the friends and neighbors I love, near my mom I love, in this life I love and love my family being in....even if it's just a little while longer.
But is it really worth being apart? Andrew would be all by himself out in Florida, dealing with a new job, and I would be here, trying to figure out how to do the job of two parents for my two kids (3 if you count our emotionally challenged dog)...and I wonder, would this really bring happiness? Just putting off the inevitable, right? Inevitability...this time I look at it with the same feeling I got watching that part in "The Matrix."
My kids are torn. They want to stay with their friends (of course), but also do NOT want to be without a parent, even thought it's just temporary. I mean, unless this house sells in record time, there's no way I can move at the same time down to Florida with Andrew--we can't afford two mortgages right now, even with the pay raises we've gotten with both new jobs. So, I'm here without him for a certain amount of time no matter what, a prospect that I am not looking forward to by any means. Besides the fact that I would get to sleep in my own bed all by myself, Andrew is my absolute best friend and the one person I turn to when things go badly, or go when they go great...or even if nothing special has happened at all, I want him to be a part of it. And then there is that whole madly in love with him thing...but I don't want to make anyone gag.
This is a great problem to have, though, right? Some households struggle to find one job that not only pays well, but is something they love to do and are excited about. We have two opportunities here. This is a time of being "abundantly blessed." Is it bad that as grateful as I am for these blessings, that it also makes my stomach hurt at the same time???
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